Sunday, June 9, 2013

New Day

Most people don't know this but I've been sort of a mess lately.  Up and down, up and down.  Isaac and I have been actively trying for 10 months to get pregnant with our second child.  10 months may sound like such a short time for some couples and I totally understand that there are lots of couples with way worse issues when it comes to infertility.  However, I still feel utterly defeated at this point.  Knowing that other people have it so much harder makes me feel guilty for feeling this way but I'm just being honest here.  It took four months for us to get pregnant with Jonah so I think that's part of our negative feelings.  We know we can conceive, we know it didn't take too long the first time, so what's the problem now?  I had it all planned out, we would conceive at the end of last year and the new baby would be born just in time for me to walk Jonah to Kindergarten pushing his new baby brother/sister in the stroller.  Ok, so I totally agree that was a little unrealistic but that's what I wanted so that's what we tried for.  Obviously, that didn't happen and I've accepted that.  Fast forward 6 months and here we are today.  On Friday I received the proof that once again, we are not pregnant.  Leading up to those last cycle days I told myself, "it's ok if I'm not pregnant, I'm not going to be sad this time, we'll try again and eventually we'll succeed."  But as soon as I got that proof I burst into tears (at work nonetheless) and cried off and on for two days.  If you've ever had your heart broken, that's exactly what it felt like.

I have one person to talk to about this because she is experiencing the exact same thing.  Of course, she lives in TN, much like most of the ladies I'm the closest with.  And, we weren't friends before this experience so this is a new friendship and connection.  My other friends who know what I'm going through simply do not understand for the most part.  I can't tell you enough how sick I am of hearing the following: "stop trying and it will happen, stop stressing and it will happen, it will happen when it's supposed to, you just need to relax" and other similar statements.  I understand they're trying to be helpful but can I please just say it here, IT'S NOT HELPING ME.  If anything, it's extremely frustrating because I feel like I have to defend Isaac's and my current way of doing things.  When I'm ready to stop trying and just see what happens is exactly when we'll try that approach.  I am not trying to offend anyone and I am extremely grateful for my friends and sisters who care but what I need is prayer and listening ears.  I've kept so much of this to myself because I feel very few people can empathize and even if they can they still tell me the same things.  I feel all alone.

In addition to the sadness I'm experiencing because of this I'm also finding myself more and more angry with God.  I wish that weren't a true statement because I feel guilty for feeling and saying that here.  My faith is being rattled.  It doesn't last long but with each cycle the anger lasts a little bit longer.  I heard something on K-Love, the radio station I listen to about 98% of the time, that I needed to be praying about something more than talking about it.  I realized I definitely wasn't doing that.  I talk about it a lot, I even joke about it some, which a lot of times is my reaction when I'm actually feeling extremely sad, but I wasn't praying about it very much.  So, this time I fervently prayed.  Every chance I got.  "God, please let me be pregnant.  I know you want to grant me the desires of my heart.  I know you love me."  Then, on Friday it was back to, "really God, really?  WHY?  AGAIN?  I am only asking for one thing."  Then the feelings that followed were so much worse.  The Devil was lying to me left and right and here's what he had to say: "You're not good enough.  Your own father doesn't even love you and has no desire to have a relationship with you or your family.  You have made no close friends here. You're not good enough.  You're not good enough to even get pregnant- the most natural human act - procreation.  You're alone."  That was yesterday and I have to admit, it was by far the worst day I've had emotionally in a very long time.

Today is a new day though.  The birds are singing, the sun is shining, and I'm feeling a little more hopeful.  That durn Devil has been banished because I know he's all lies.  I'm rebuilding the faith that was torn down by focusing on God's promises for my life.  I did a pre-application for an adoption agency the other day but it made me more sad than anything else.  Isaac and I have both always had hearts for adoption but we're just not ready to go that route yet.  If we reach that point then we'll pursue that with our whole hearts but we're not there yet.

If you could, would you add us to your prayer list?  I will be forever grateful.  If you need prayer, please let me know and I'll be praying for you too.  If you don't feel comfortable commenting here, email me at cara.justus@yahoo.com.

Thanks for reading, love and hugs to all of you!!!